Sunday, 21 October 2012

In a rut

Written on Saturday, June 9, 2012

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So many things running around in my mind. Don’t know where to start from, what to write down, where’ll it all lead and when it will be sufficient to vent out everything that’s inside me. I tried talking to my oldest friend, it acted like a Dispirin. A few moments of relief, but then, the depressing thoughts occupied my mind again, as if they’d never left.

Tried to give a reason to whatever has happened, tried to accept it as God’s will or Destiny’s hand, tried to give myself hope, but at the end of it all, I’m still restless. Still not able to concentrate what I’ve planned myself for. I’ve denied myself this situation for months now. I’ve never admitted that I’m on a downward trend in my life. A trend due to which even the simplest of tasks look impossible. There is a reason to my denial. And the reason is, if I don’t emerge out stronger from the injuries she has inflicted on me, I’ll only make her feel better and make my parents lose.

Not only my parents, but my sisters, my lovely niece, my friends who have not given up on me, who have always stood by my side, when she backstabbed me, over and over again. They believed in me. They knew I could do no wrong and most importantly, they believe that I’ve a stronger will to survive than her resolve to destroy me. If I admit my current state of mind to myself, I’ll make all of them lose in front of her. This is not acceptable to me.

So what am I supposed to do? Lie to myself? Why I’m not able to pull myself out of this rut? They say, that time is the biggest healer, but right now, every day feels like an eternity. When you are going through a rough phase in life, time is one thing which doesn’t seem to pass by, and things keep getting worse with every passing day. I’m feeling it. So much so, that I’ve lost faith in myself. I’ve lost the trust that there could be something I can do to improve things. I’ve lost all the positivity that once filled up my mind. Never thought that the realities of life will hit me this hard, that the person, whom I entrusted to be my soulmate would destroy my soul.

She would smirk on reading this. I wish she never gets across this. I don’t want my parents efforts to bring me up look smaller in front of her efforts to cut me down. I want you Lord. I need your help. Please hold me. Take me in your arms and stroke my head a little. Either give me strength or make me sleep.

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