The Eternity is...Over.

I was idealistic; while she was whimsical & egoistic.
My undiluted love could not dissolve her ego and I did not want to live with this realisation for the rest of my life.

I try hard not to think of her. But its impossible, as she invariably makes her way in my dreams.
I forget about the dreams as soon as I wake up, but what I can't forget is that, even in my dreams, I still have a soft corner for her.

People say there must have been 'someone' else and that she never loved you from heart. Perhaps they are right. They sound all the more true after all what she did.
But then, I know, the moment she took that little white flower and gave to me 13 yrs back, she wasn't faking it either.

I feel silence all inside me, I pledge to stay alone forever. Ocassionally, when alone, I shed a tear or two...and then...the moment becomes lighter.
The reality more acceptable...that..."What we thought will stay for eternity...is over".

In a rut

Written on Saturday, June 9, 2012

---------------------------------------------------------------------


So many things running around in my mind. Don’t know where to start from, what to write down, where’ll it all lead and when it will be sufficient to vent out everything that’s inside me. I tried talking to my oldest friend, it acted like a Dispirin. A few moments of relief, but then, the depressing thoughts occupied my mind again, as if they’d never left.

Tried to give a reason to whatever has happened, tried to accept it as God’s will or Destiny’s hand, tried to give myself hope, but at the end of it all, I’m still restless. Still not able to concentrate what I’ve planned myself for. I’ve denied myself this situation for months now. I’ve never admitted that I’m on a downward trend in my life. A trend due to which even the simplest of tasks look impossible. There is a reason to my denial. And the reason is, if I don’t emerge out stronger from the injuries she has inflicted on me, I’ll only make her feel better and make my parents lose.

Not only my parents, but my sisters, my lovely niece, my friends who have not given up on me, who have always stood by my side, when she backstabbed me, over and over again. They believed in me. They knew I could do no wrong and most importantly, they believe that I’ve a stronger will to survive than her resolve to destroy me. If I admit my current state of mind to myself, I’ll make all of them lose in front of her. This is not acceptable to me.

So what am I supposed to do? Lie to myself? Why I’m not able to pull myself out of this rut? They say, that time is the biggest healer, but right now, every day feels like an eternity. When you are going through a rough phase in life, time is one thing which doesn’t seem to pass by, and things keep getting worse with every passing day. I’m feeling it. So much so, that I’ve lost faith in myself. I’ve lost the trust that there could be something I can do to improve things. I’ve lost all the positivity that once filled up my mind. Never thought that the realities of life will hit me this hard, that the person, whom I entrusted to be my soulmate would destroy my soul.

She would smirk on reading this. I wish she never gets across this. I don’t want my parents efforts to bring me up look smaller in front of her efforts to cut me down. I want you Lord. I need your help. Please hold me. Take me in your arms and stroke my head a little. Either give me strength or make me sleep.

200K or 1??? What would you opt?

Written Sunday, April 29, 2012

----------------------------------------------------------------------


First thing first...those who don't know Shriya...please visit www.saveshriya.com


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now read on....


6:15 pm :: Reached home after an overnite stay at didi's place. Still smiling to myself thinking about my 6 yr old niece, Sanika's,  mischievous yet innocent talks, I checked my cell...2 missed calls...from Shriya's father, Jaydeep!
Shoot!! They must be expecting me to call, as I only asked them yesterday if I cud come & meet Shriya...Sanika got me late again!!! I smiled once again thinking of Saanu...n dialled Jaydeep back to know if I could come over.

7:15 pm :: Jaydeep guided me thru stairs of his house to upper floor...a small family of 4, spanning 3 generations was standing in anticipation...Aahhh!!! There she is...Shriya, in her mother's arms. "Looks weak"...I thought, but reminded myself...that this little girl of 23 months, courtesy to her ever falling platelets and hb due to Gaucher's, has already been to hospital more no. of times than any other person present in the room...!!!...hmmm...'hope things turn around soon !!!' I wished...n exchanged pleasantries with Shriya's Daadi, Mom-Shivani & Bro-Ansh.
A few mins later, Shriya got busy with the little teddy, Chaitra sent for her. Shivani was busy serving soft drinks with snacks amidst my usual "Please don't be formal..." stuff...After a bit of small-talk...I asked Jaydeep how's it going on funds collection front? The response was not surprising...'Only a trickle of funds ever since the Summer4Shriya drive ended in Infy'. I congratulated Chaitra in my mind once again that atleast we, as infoscions, did raise hopes!!!
Within few mins, I started to understand, that Shriya's parents are hoping for a miracle to happen...that some NGO/Corporate/Philanthropist will soon understand the gravity of Shriya's ailment and sponsor her treatment till she's 18. What followed next was quite a detailed discussion on why they should bank more on forming a large base of small donors than finding one big philanthropist. I told them a few facts like how much money is reqd. to give Shriya 2*12*16 ~ 400 ERTs  @ about 85-100k per ERT. The accountant in me wondering why haven't they done the maths themselves yet !!!. The answer was mumbled by Shivani, when I told the range as 3.5-4 crores..."We never calculated as we feared this would make us hopeless..." "Hmmm..." I thought..."I'll take that answer only because u r the parents...n I know by experience that parents can act pretty wierdly at times!!!"

8:15 pm :: The discussion continues...while I explained crudely how 1-2 crores collected in very near future cud be 4 crs of Shriya's distant future. And then, came the killer point which was hiding in plain sight from Jaydeep and Shivani...If everyone contributes only 100 bucks one time...it will take only 200k donors to save Shriya...Both Jaydeep  and Shivani, tired from knocking corporates/NGOs doors in last 3 months, must have thought I was a little crazy in using 'only' & '200k donors' together...but I was ready to thank 'The Internet' in my next sentence!!!  I also clarified that they don't need to know 200k donors personally...but they could be gathered thru friends of friends (kid's stuff for seasoned FB users, which Shriya's parents were not...unfortunately )...
It looks like they have started to see my point that getting govt support or finding a philanthropist is like finding a needle in the haystack, while building credibility amongst small donors thru word of mouth is so much feasible over internet!!! All we need to do is to be completely honest with the money collected and transparent with the group of donors. After all, we have successfully done the POC in Infy.
I chuckled at my last thought...POC...can't keep office lingo out for long!!!. I was about to clarify what POC stands for, when all of a sudden, we heard a loud thud in the nearby room n a shrieking cry. Shivani rushed in the room to pick Shriya up, I was also half-standing, when Jaydeep said "Her legs are weak...she can't keep walking for long without falling!!!" I heard a loud "DAMN" inside my head...but Jaydeep heard only a faint 'Ohhh!'...I hope he understood...that like many males, I'm not comfortable showing off my emotions in the first meeting!!!

8:45 pm :: Things looking positive...Shriya's parents are getting keen to know how they can reach out to masses? "The technicalities can be taken care of..." I assured them and told just to focus on having a short-term and a long-term plan ready. I knew...I need to contribute in every plan in whatever way I can.

9:15 pm :: I finally decided to show them the SaveShriya group I've been hosting on FB (erstwhile, without their knowledge) to spread awareness n hoping for contributions from my friends & friends' friends. Shivani was surprisingly shocked on seeing '207 members' on right side of screen!!! She asked me..."Can I also Join? and then add my friends or relatives??" I smiled to her saying..."Sure" and silently said to myself..."Now u r getting the drift!!! Get active on FB first...but don't get too struck with unproductive stuff!!! :)".

9:30 pm :: Time to leave after a few clicks with Shriya n her family. While standing in the dark narrow lane outside their house , I asked them if I could post the clicks on the Group for everyone to see? They asked surprisingly..."Will all 207 members could see at same time???" I said "YES". Instead of the dark...I could still see the relief on their faces that comes from a re-ignited hope. I felt...I've done my bit for the day...n started to head home.

The ultimate gift!

Written on Friday, November 11, 2011

------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I feel completely derailed. I need a role model, someone whom I can look up to, and follow him up to become something in my life. As of now, I have absolutely no idea what I want to become in my life. All I want is to have a steady job, which could pay my bills and hope to retire some day, with enough savings so as to enjoy a calm post-retirement life. This is all I can think off. But I'm not too sure, if the path I'm currently gressing will enable me get where I want to reach. And this is bare minimum stuff. I mean, I'm not asking for the sky. If you can't expect this much after slogging for 2 decades in educational instts & then 4 decades in corporate world, then you really don't have any hope...do you?

There is another very important thing in life which gives you immense satisfaction, apart from being financially secure. And that is to be able to do what you love. Whether it is to take a day off and spend the time with your loved ones, or developing a new hobby, or travelling to those locations you always kept dreaming about, or meeting any of your goals, that motivated you to work so hard in this life. If you aren't doing that, you'd be grumbled with your life in your deathbed. It might sound dramatic, but won't you agree? Won't you feel that you have let go
the opportunity to live because of reasons which mostly existed in mind only, and due to the fear of losing money meant to keep for the proverbial 'Rainy Day'!!!

Its a tragedy, that we work all our lives, and are still not able to live even an year the way we want to. Its true that happiness is a state of mind, but isn't it true also, that happiness lies in freedom as well. Just imagine, if I tell you that you have the freedom to choose whether or not you want to turn up for work tomorrow, won't that make you happy? What if you get to chose everyday? What if, I assure you that irrespective of whatever you choose, your finances will not be disturbed!!! Won't that really empower you? Won't this one single thought, that irrespective of what you do, the money stream will not be disturbed, makes you feel that now you can do things which really make you happy, like the ones we discussed above?

Yes...it should...and...it will. Anyone, who denies it, is lying to himself. Lets not lie to ourselves, and admit that all of us want to have a life, in which we are in the driver's seat. We have the control over what we want to do, with whom we want to do & when we want to do. Sounds almost like a dream...and a little too eerie as well?? Don't worry, it is...atleast to those who only day-dream about such a life. But those who actually live such a life, the 1% of all the human beings in the history of mankind, can vouch, that this is the way to go about life. To be
in control, is the ultimate gift.

AMEN!

Written on Tuesday, January 26, 2010

----------------------------------------------------------------------------


Hi Reader,

We are meeting after a long time...2&1/2 years to be precise...a lot has happened during this period...some of them would take completely separate posts to give you an inkling of exactly how profoundly they have shaped my life off-late...but today I just want to talk about the feelings I'm undergoing at this very moment, when I'm writing this blog...or rather thought of writing, as I've found writing as a way of venting out my emotions when I can't show them to anyone.

I feel like a failure...someone down & out...this is a marked change in my attitude, cos I remember that not long time back, I was the kind of guy who used to think that one can fail a battle but he can still win the war. Today, I myself do not feel like waging the war further. Somehow, the oust of QuestNet from my life has made me a lifeless being, who dreads to becoming the spineless creature he was before QuestNet happened to him. Really...feel like deserted, lonely & directionless. A guy with no aim, & no hope of ever living his dreams. I wonder, how somethings have such an impact on you...

Just want it back badly. Will life be second time kind to me? Will it give me back my Career Love, as it has given me Back the Love of my Life? I know I sound like an ever-so-demanding person, but isn't it human to desire for things which give you a real high in life?

For me, Gudiya, QuestNet, my Parents' happiness & meeting my dreams is the real high. I don't feel guilty to ask life to grant me these...& I'll never ever leave any stone unturned to prove that I am worthy of it.

AMEN !!!

I tried so hard...but was never smart!

Written on Tuesday, 3 July, 2007

--------------------------------------------------------


Yeah...that's how life has been for me. Hard, cos I never acted smart. Don know why!!! May be cos I used to think more from my heart than my head. N heart just knows to reach for ur goals in a blindfolded way. it makes you to choose a path even if that path is laden with stones...n it will not even give u time to put on ur shoes before taking up that path...such stupid is this heart.

Mind on the other hand, if could not find the smooth way for u, will still allow u to put on ur shoes before taking up the challenging road ahead...so that there could be damage control once u start strolling further.

Life has been like this...there are new turns everytime. Everytime I do new mistakes, n decide never to repeat them, wish to be wiser not to have committed them....but at the very next turn, committ a new one. Wonder, how life keep creating these newer turns for me everytime, where I make mistakes in a newer manner, but a mistake nevertheless.

Alas...may be when I'll close my eyes, I might just feel that amongst all these mistakes, there are none repeated. If life had to screw me, it also had to scratch its head to find newer ways, everytime, to do that :)

Atleast than I could say...even if I din't live smart...life had not taken me as a fool either.